The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
two words...techno handjob
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
