porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
