we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
