someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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