M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
