he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
