So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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