I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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