Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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