she woke up with a sticky ear
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
