Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
