OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
