alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
