I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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