wanna go halves on a baby?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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