When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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