Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
