Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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