Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
