erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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