He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
