My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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