I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
