Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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