wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
