dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
