Can i not drive my cunt home
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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