The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
