I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
