Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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