drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
