he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
