saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
