i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
