He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
