The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
