Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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