I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
