Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
