R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
