Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
