i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So much rum. So many feels.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
