On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
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