when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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