saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
he fucked my hip out of place.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
