I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
