We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
