I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
