Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
