Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
