chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
