genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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