I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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