I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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