She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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