I cannot find my penis.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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