i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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