What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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