i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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